Facial Hair: A Manifesto

Let me clarify. This post is about male facial hair.

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20529952,00.html

However, I feel the same about female facial hair as I do male facial hair. Which is to say, I'm not a fan. 

Also, please ignore the fact the above picture is from people.com. I never go there. I've never gone there in my life. I've never, ever, gone to that site . . . even to see pictures of the very adorable and pregnant Jennifer Garner who is one of those actresses I like as a person because I think she's sweet and kind and may I just say that I love her classy, relaxed style?

Moving right along: facial hair. I can't take it. Exhibit A: Brad Pitt, looking all nice and handsome. Nice suit, well tailored jacket and wait . . . WHAT IS THAT FUZZ ON YOUR FACE? (Also, the long hair . . . it's just, um, it's just that, and this is just me, it's just that it makes me want to break out in hives. WANT TO.)

I mean, I suppose he's allowed to do what he wants with his face. It is, after all, his own. But I'd submit that if your face is going to show up on TV and computer screens across the globe, it's better to look groomed. As opposed to, well, looking like you have Spanish moss growing on your chin. 

Look, kids. Look at the Spanish moss. 

http://www.sfrc.ufl.edu/4h/spanish_moss/spanmoss.htm 

All together now: EWWWW. 

It's great in Florida (not), it's just not great on faces. Just putting that out there. 

And this doesn't mean that I don't like the people who sport them, obviously. For instance if I were to meet Brad Pitt tomorrow, I would be perfectly normal and be like, "Well, hello there Mr. Pitt. A pleasure to meet you. How are you doing these days? Enjoying life with the fam? I'm sure living with six (or it five? seven?) children can be very chaotic; perhaps you've misplaced your razor?" 

Just kidding. I'd leave out the razor part.

See, the thing is I think most facial hair is grody. Because let's face it, facial hair is anatomically positioned to get messy, either from below or above. It just really seems to me it would be difficult to keep something like that clean all the time. 

Scruffle, of course is a whole different story. I'm well aquainted with scruffle having married a man who takes pains not to shave on weekends. Scruffle I can take. 

But once it gets long enough to hoard crumbs and bits and pieces of your day and little birdies, it's time to take a razor to it. 

All that to say: Razors. I'm a fan.