Marriage: What I Never Knew

Dear Reader,

This is us, right after we got married.


My husband was twenty-two; I was twenty-three. He was in his Army best; I was wearing a bejeweled dress that swished when I walked. He repeatedly squeezed my hands when we said our vows, and I smiled at him all the way down the aisle.

We were psyched about being married. Psyched, I tell you. We were crazy in love. But we had no idea how much growth the next year would hold for us.

I had read all the books and was pretty confident I could handle anything marriage threw my way. (Arguments? Pshaw. We'll calmly talk through everything. Disappointment? Why would we be disappointed about anything? We love each other. Compromise? Why would we need that? We'll talk through everything and see eye to eye.) But oh my. Was I ever in for a surprise.

It's not the people didn't try to tell me things could be difficult. It's that I thought I - the highly educated, analytic over-achiever - was different. We wouldn't be like "other couples."

But we were. And are. And it's such a grace of God that we are.

So here are the things I've learned in the past year.

1. Marriage is hard. No, really. It is. I never, ever understood why people said that until I got married. And the reason marriage is challenging is this: marriage isn't just a really wonderful friendship. It brings people closer than friendship; makes two humans one. And that oneness is tumultuous simply because you are different genders and you are sinful humans (more on that in a sec). As a result, it intensifies sorrow and joy. Marriage is a clashing, beautiful, pristine (God-sanctified) mess.

 And this is how beauty comes from difficulty: it's by learning to open your hands, accept the man (and the situation) that He gave you, and continue on in His strength . . . and, as a result, His peace. Difficulty does not have to steal your heart; your peace and your joy. Carry on with Him, and He will carry you.

2. Men are different than women. Men don't just think about things differently; they are entirely different beings. I never understood just how psychologically different men are until I married one. Like I said in the above, marriage intensifies differences in ways you can't imagine.

Women's minds are like apples, men's are like pitchforks. That's about how similar their minds are. Men and women come to conclusions completely differently. Take into account that most of us marry people with fundamentally different (sometimes sinful) personalities, and you have a situation that is just made - made, I tell you! - for conflict.

 Case in point: When Ryan and I first got married, I mentioned to him some ideas I had for our finances. It was out of the blue, complicated, and required an immediate decision. Ryan likes stability, simplicity, and things that he can think about for a while. We didn't end up going with my idea because Ryan wasn't comfortable with it. And I remember being so confused why he didn't see things my way.

Acceptance of a person's differences comes when you realize your own weakness. I, for instance, occasionally (read: often) make quick (read : snap) decisions. As a result, some of my ideas are often unwise. Ryan doesn't make snap decisions and can often see a bit more realistically about a present situation. We balance each other out. Funny how God thinks of stuff like that.

3. Conflict isn't a bad thing. It happens to many righteous couples, and it's okay. It's normal to argue sometimes. It's normal not to see eye to eye. It's normal to occasionally be completely baffled by your husband's behavior. What matters is that you're able to learn from the experience and apply it to the next time a conflict comes around.

If your spouse doesn't like conflict, for instance, you as the wife need to learn how to communicate with him in such a way that he doesn't feel trapped. If your husband never communicates, it's your job to learn how to make him feel safe so he can do that. (Appreciation goes an awful, awful long way in this arena, ladies. Encourage him whenever he tells you anything about how he's feeling - it'll uplift him.)  

4. Rome wasn't built in a day. Learning about your spouse will take years. And there is nothing wrong with that. You need to be okay with making mistakes, accidentally upsetting your spouse, and not doing things perfectly. You have an entire lifetime to do that, so pace yourself. It's a good thing to want to learn about your spouse and what makes him tick, but it's also necessary to remember that you can't learn everything at once.

5. Disappointment is allowed by God. I have a marvelous, loving, attentive husband, and I love him to death. My own sinfulness, unfortunately, got the best of me a lot during my first year of marriage. I had my ideals, and my sweet husband, being a) human and b) not able to read my mind, didn't always live up to my standards. It took me so, so long to realize that this was okay. I had to learn that the death of my own dreams means the life of His. (This book is spectacular and talks a lot about God's dreams for our marriages.) And His dreams are far better than mine.

So, just so we're straight, I'm not jaded about marriage! Yes, it's hard, but there's such beauty in the difficulties. Be encouraged if married life is not what you thought it would be. There is always hope because He will never leave you or forsake you.